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Allow'south Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly Truthful Memoir by Jenny Lawson
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Allow'due south Pretend This Never Happened Quotes Showing ane-30 of 178

"You lot should merely accept who you are, flaws and all, because if you lot try to be someone you lot aren't, and so eventually some turkey is going to shit all over your well-crafted facade, so you might as well save yourself the try and enjoy your zombie books."
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

"I can finally see that all the terrible parts of my life, the embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened, and the things that make me "weird" and "different," were actually the about of import parts of my life. They were the parts that fabricated me ME."
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

"It'south true, I did say I wanted girlfriends," I capitulated hesitantly, "but couldn't we start with something smaller and less terrifying? Like perchance spend a weekend at a crack house? I heard those people are very nonjudgmental, and if you accidentally say something offensive you can simply blame it on their hallucinations."
― Jenny Lawson, Permit's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly Truthful Memoir

"That night I looked up at those same stars, only I didn't want any of those things. I didn't desire Egypt, or France, or far-flung destinations. I just wanted to get back to my life from my babyhood, but to visit it, and affect it, and to convince myself that yeah, it had been existent."
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

"If someone asked me to option out my own vagina'southward mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I'd be helpless. And probably concerned well-nigh what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a demand for its ain mug shot."
― Jenny Lawson, Let'south Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

"...I merely want to clarify that I don't mean 'without my vagina' like I didn't have information technology with me at the time. I just mean that I wasn't, you know...displaying it while I was at Starbucks. That's probably understood, but I idea I should clarify, since information technology'due south the first chapter and you don't know that much about me. So just to clarify, I always take my vagina with me. It's like my American Express card. (In that I don't leave home without it. Not that I use it to purchase stuff with.)"
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A More often than not Truthful Memoir

"P.P.P.P.S. Also, if yous try to make a shrimp boil, but the purse of spices bursts, and then you lot simply toss it in along with whatever spices you tin can detect in the pantry--you can make homemade pepper spray. Unintentionally.
And everyone at your dinner party will run outside for the adjacent hour, coughing and tearing up as if they've been maced, considering technically they kind of take been, because mace was one of the spices I plant in the panty. I blame whoever makes spice out of mace, and I remind my gasping dinner guests that even if I did mace them, I did it in an old fashioned, bootleg, Martha Stewart sort of fashion. With dear."
― Jenny Lawson, Allow's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

"1 moment I'thousand perfectly fine and the next I feel a wave of nausea, then panic. So I can't catch my jiff and I know I'm about to lose command and all I want to do is escape. Except that the one thing I can't escape from is the very affair I want to run away from... me."
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

"When I was in junior loftier I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd exist naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me."
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A By and large True Memoir

"...pretty much everyone hates high school. It's a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed loftier schoolhouse, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both. Those things aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I've tried to block out the retentiveness of my high schoolhouse years, just no affair how hard you lot try, information technology'south always with yous, like an unwanted hitchhiker. Or herpes. I assume..."
― Jenny Lawson, Let'southward Pretend This Never Happened: A More often than not True Memoir

"Dear Victor: Wow. That … really got out of mitt. I'm sending this true cat in as a peace offering. I forgive y'all for all the stuff you wrote on the walls nearly my sis, and I'g going to just ignore all the stuff you wrote about my "giant ass" (plow cat over for residual) because I beloved you and you demand me. Who else loves you enough to send you notes written on cats? Nobody, that's who. As well, I stapled a picture of usa from our wedding day to the cat's left leg. Don't nosotros look happy? We can be that style once more. Just stop leaving wet towels on the floor. That's all I enquire. I'm low-maintenance that way. Also, this cat needs to go on a diet. I shouldn't be able to write this much on a cat and still have room left over."
― Jenny Lawson, Let'southward Pretend This Never Happened: A More often than not True Memoir

"I know other people who are like me... They are brilliant and astonishing and forever cleaved. I'k lucky that although Victor doesn't empathise it, he tries to sympathise, telling me, "Relax. In that location's absolutely nothing to panic about." I smile gratefully at him and pretend that's all I needed to hear and that this is merely a silly phase that volition pass ane day. I know there'south nothing to panic most. And that's exactly what makes it so much worse."
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly Truthful Memoir

"No," I replied testily. "I'grand pretty sure 'digital' is Latin for 'fingeral,' so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland." The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the "fingeral" wasn't even a real word. And so I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably considering he's embarrassed that he doesn't know how Latin works. Then he claimed that "underrecating" isn't a word either. The man has a terrible bedside fashion."
― Jenny Lawson, Let'southward Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly Truthful Memoir

"When I was in junior loftier I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.
And also he'd exist a duke.
And possibly my stepbrother.
Then one of us would get stabbed with a broken whiskey bottle and/or raped.
Turns out the only part I was right nigh was that one of us was going to get stabbed."
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

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